Feel like I’m not capable of loving.
So, how?

–

I am very pleased by what you tell me about this man’s relations with his mother. … Keep in close touch with our colleague Glubose who is in charge of the mother, and build up between you in that house a good settled habit of mutual annoyance; daily pinpricks. The following methods are useful:

1. Keep his mind on the inner life. He thinks his conversion is something inside him and his attention is therefore chiefly turned at present to the states of his own mind–or rather to that very expurgated version of them which is all you should allow him to see. Encourage this. …

2. It is, no doubt, impossible to prevent his praying for his mother, but we have means of rendering the prayers innocuous. Make sure that they are always very ’spiritual’, that he is always concerned with the state of her soul and never with her rheumatism. …

3. When two humans have lived together for many years, it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. …

4. In civilized life domestic, hatred usually expresses itself by saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper (the words are not offensive) but in such a voice, or at such moment, that they are not far short of a blow in the face. To keep this game up, you and Glubose must see to it that each of these two fools has a sort of double standards.

…

I am stunned because it is true. I haven’t just done to my mother, to my other dearest ones, too. I think, to some of the closest ones I set my tolerance lower than to others. I expect more from them. I am more easily annoyed and I know exactly how to annoy them and yes, I will do it on purpose to get revenge (just like the point number 3 and 4 above). The regrets will also hurt me more.

I know it’s another exhibit that I will not be able to love without His help. I am writing this because I have done something wrong today and it makes me feel bad and desperate. Though I know that people are selfish and slow learners and faithful is one of His unexplainable character, it is still not easy dealing with guilt.

Confessing like this is actually helpful for me. Somehow it makes me feel better. And if any of you reading this and maybe you have experiences like this, well, you’re not alone. If you don’t, lucky you! If you are one of my dearest that I have hurt you in a way or two (well, or anybody for that matter!), I’m sorry. Please know that it’s difficult to love sincerely and I’m still working on this.

I think I will always be working on this. But it doesn’t matter, you know. Because the process is a chance to get to know Him better, to depend on Him more, just like the way He wants it or so I read in many books or so I’ve been told by people (hmm, do You really want that? for me to surrender all to You? ;)

Thank You for not giving up on me. :D

–

Ten years from now, I think I’ll be living in one of metropolitan city in the world. I read in the wikipedia that the city has been a polyglot home of numerous international organisations, politicians, diplomats and civil servants. It has buildings with old architecture style as well as modern one. My favorite monument is there, the Atomium. The city is the capital city of Hercule Poirot’s origin. Well, I don’t know where I’ll be in 2020 but I do hope I will be in:

BRUSSELS

Anyway, at first I felt weird when they called this thing an award (by this thing, I mean that blog post tagging about certain topic). I thought award was supposed to be the prize to a winner, a reward, something like that. So I asked a question about this in stackexchange . Somebody mentioned the etymological origin of the word that in my opinion could apply to this case: something awarded (with award as a verb that means to decide after careful examination and observation).

OK, that’s You’re Going Places from me. Now I’d like to pass the award to Ochie and anyone who’s willing to share. Where do you think you will be in 2020?

–

So, I ask myself what my other ‘Vanilla Twilight’ songs, songs that will make me stop and listen. It’s not my most fave of all time, but here are 3 of them :

Vanilla Twilight
Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

‘Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly
But I’ll miss your arms around me
I’d send a postcard to you, dear
‘Cause I wish you were here

I’ll watch the night turn light-blue
But it’s not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I’ll find repose in new ways
Though I haven’t slept in two days
‘Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I’ll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don’t feel so alone

I don’t feel so alone, I don’t feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I’ll think of you tonight
I’ll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I’ll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won’t forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

***

Warning Sign
Coldplay

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in,
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized
you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I’ve gotta tell you what state I’m in,
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I’m tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms…

***

Anyone Else But You
The Moldy Peaches

You’re a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you’re back is the latest trend
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body’s swinging from side to side
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can’t, you forgive me?
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn’t mean we’re not smart
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I’m in love with how you feel
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I’m your biggest fan
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don’t see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

*
*
*

I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else..
but you

–

The Twisted Tales

Shrek is a movie based on tales that we all know by heart. While Shrek twists the tale with comedy (and I have good laugh watching 3 pigs and the wolf, Pinokio, the Ginger Bread, the princesses, and a bunch other), The Book of Lost Things mixes the dough with dark ingredients. Like in this one (you might want to discontinue reading, spoiler ahead!):

The Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

What if it wasn’t the step-mother? What if it was the seven dwarfs who actually gave the poisonous apple? The step-mother had an alibi.

You see, the Snow White was actually one annoying girl. She was so bossy. Not one of the dwarf liked her. In fact, they all hated her. They planned to kill her and to frame the step-mother. They made it. Everyone blamed the queen, Snow White’s step-mother.

Unfortunately, the queen had an alibi and all charges were dropped. That time the queen was on her business trip, on one of her poisoning quest, but not for the Snow White. So, the court was to find out who the real culprit was. The fingers pointed at the dwarf eventually but there were just not enough proofs. The court let them go with a warning. If someday, something bad happened to the Snow White, anything, the dwarfs would be punished.

Imagine how the dwarfs felt after that. They had to serve the (still and more) annoying Snow White and they couldn’t do anything about that. The dwarfs were known as a grumpy creature and the whole thing gave them more grumpy-fuel that could last for a really long time.

When David, the main character of the book, met the dwarfs, they were still grumpy. But the sympathetic boy turned out could befriend the dwarfs. When they were apart, the dwarfs told him that someday they would like to find a prince that would marry the Snow White and that until that time they would dig their mine and collect diamonds (diamonds, not coal!) for the bribe to the prince. Yep, they were thinking to bribe a prince to marry the Snow White.

The Crooked Man

The dwarfs story was just merely few pages of the 472 page Indonesian translation that I read. There were so many tales that Mr. Connolly picked and he crafted it well. I love explanation and he gives it neatly. I think one tool that enables Mr. Connolly to do so is the crooked man.

The crooked man was another character in the book. He was not from any tale but he really liked to create tales, many of them. He offered a great deal of power, of solutions to one’s problems. He granted wishes. He was sweet with his words. He was cruel.

The crooked man was not a kind of antagonist that did bad things to seek revenge or power or wealth, no. He was a kind of man that loved to see others suffering. And I think that’s the worst type of antagonist of all. Psycho.

And So..

OK, no more spoilers. I’m glad that the book doesn’t fall into children novel category. It will damage their tale soul heavily. As for the adult, I’d like to recommend this very book. It touches the bitter part of heart which I believe grow larger in adults and at the same time, it pokes our treasure chests where we keep the tales from our younger years.

Not only that, when the chest is opened, the tale is just not the same anymore. It is so twisted. Really, really twisted. It is so twisted that it can keep us entertained not only with the nostalgic feeling but also with the excitement over the whole new plot. That is one of the sweetness that I talked about (I just notice that most part of my post focused on the scary part).

Again, about the book

The Book of Lost Things is a story of a boy named David who got lost in a country where everything was not like those in the tales we knew. There, he met Snow White, the Sleeping Beauty, the Red Hood girl, and the crooked man.

The Crooked Man has come, with his mocking smile and his enigmatic words:

‘Welcome, your majesty. All hail the new king.’

–

–

colon left parenthesis left parenthesis

–

Hm?

Well, not just me. For everyone, if we could see what each of us see, do you think there’s a chance that it would be a better place for us to live in?

Emm, no.

Are you sure? No?

No.

Why?

I could go all the way, listing the cons and pros but I’d like to give you something better. I’ll give you my no now.

Hey, some explanations will be nice.. Come on!

Listen… The answer…. is no.

…

Your pillows, good?

Yup, they’re fluffy.

Great.

Hey, thanks.

For what?

For your no. I’ll sleep safe and sound tonight.

You’re welcome, dear..

Hey, do you think…

No.

–

The writing’s on the wall
There’s nothing to say anymore

Thanks for being you
Thanks for being all the things I had to say goodbye to

– Bring Me Down, Lenka

What?

You said that the morning dew could disappear.

Yep.

Disappear and not because of our own will?

Yes, you heard right.

But that’s impossible.

Why so?

That’s just impossible! We guard our own morning dew. Each of us has our own and we will never let it disappear if not because of our own will.

That’s true.

What?! So, how come you..

Hey, I didn’t say it happened in our world. It certainly does not.

Then, where?

You see, there’s this other world where the morning dew disappears as the thing called sun evaporates the morning dew.

Is this sun a bad thing or something?

No. I do hope it’s some kind of a monster but from what I heard that’s not the case. In fact, it is categorized as something magnificent, useful, and else. And also, it’s warm.

That’s strange.. It does evaporate the dew, doesn’t it?

Yeah, it’s surely strange.. I like my morning dew.

Me, too. I won’t let it disappear.

Yeah… Hey, do you want to go to that other world?

Huh? What for?

You know, new world.. adventure.. We might compare the morning dew as well..

You think that world has more beautiful dew than ours?

I don’t know, never been there.. Wanna go check it out?

Hm.. And lose our morning dew by the sun?

Well, that..

No, thanks. I love my morning dew.

… me, too.

–

* I always imagine the morning dew keeper as some kind of animal. Bees, to be exact.
Because they will be busy guarding the morning dew..
busy like a bee… busy, busy like a bee…

–