Elfira Yolanda S

Following quote is from C S Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. This is his 3rd letter (well, based on the letter appearance in the book) and I’d like to quote parts of it. Screwtape is a devil and his letters are his advice to Wormwood, his nephew on making human do bad things.

I am very pleased by what you tell me about this man’s relations with his mother. … Keep in close touch with our colleague Glubose who is in charge of the mother, and build up between you in that house a good settled habit of mutual annoyance; daily pinpricks. The following methods are useful:

1. Keep his mind on the inner life. He thinks his conversion is something inside him and his attention is therefore chiefly turned at present to the states of his own mind–or rather to that very expurgated version of them which is all you should allow him to see. Encourage this. …

2. It is, no doubt, impossible to prevent his praying for his mother, but we have means of rendering the prayers innocuous. Make sure that they are always very ‘spiritual’, that he is always concerned with the state of her soul and never with her rheumatism. …

3. When two humans have lived together for many years, it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. …

4. In civilized life domestic, hatred usually expresses itself by saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper (the words are not offensive) but in such a voice, or at such moment, that they are not far short of a blow in the face. To keep this game up, you and Glubose must see to it that each of these two fools has a sort of double standards.

…

I am stunned because it is true. I haven’t just done to my mother, to my other dearest ones, too. I think, to some of the closest ones I set my tolerance lower than to others. I expect more from them. I am more easily annoyed and I know exactly how to annoy them and yes, I will do it on purpose to get revenge (just like the point number 3 and 4 above). The regrets will also hurt me more.

I know it’s another exhibit that I will not be able to love without His help. I am writing this because I have done something wrong today and it makes me feel bad and desperate. Though I know that people are selfish and slow learners and faithful is one of His unexplainable character, it is still not easy dealing with guilt.

Confessing like this is actually helpful for me. Somehow it makes me feel better. And if any of you reading this and maybe you have experiences like this, well, you’re not alone. If you don’t, lucky you! If you are one of my dearest that I have hurt you in a way or two (well, or anybody for that matter!), I’m sorry. Please know that it’s difficult to love sincerely and I’m still working on this.

I think I will always be working on this. But it doesn’t matter, you know. Because the process is a chance to get to know Him better, to depend on Him more, just like the way He wants it or so I read in many books or so I’ve been told by people (hmm, do You really want that? for me to surrender all to You? ;)

Thank You for not giving up on me. :D

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