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Archive for October, 2009

The Other End of Guilty Feeling

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Guilty feeling keeps us sane. It is our reminder that we might have done something awful. Some times, it can be interfered by certain things such as unhealthy portion of it. In recent event I experience that too much focus on this feeling could blur my sight.

I was on the way to a farewell dinner last week. Total of around 14 people joined in a motor bike parade to the so-called panoramic restaurant in GWK Bali. It was located in rather high terrant so the journey was not so easy as it’s going up and down.

Anyway, my friend and I were caught up in a little accident. The bike, his bike, couldn’t manage to climb the road and we fell down. My cute pink helmet saved my head from the hard aspalt so please all riders, use your helmet and make sure it’s cute.

I couldn’t help but to blame myself for the incident. I haven’t been able to get used in driving a motor bike so I live in assumption that taking me for a ride will increase the risk of accident due to the weight factor. Hehe.. Call it low self-esteem or whatever, but yeah, that’s how I feel.

As soon as I could get up, my mind was full of worries, whether my friend was ok, whether he’s hurt, whether we should call the rest of the party to help us because we were the last in the parade, why it happened.

Well, it happened and when it happened, there was this one man, a benevolent stranger, the good Samaritan. He was heading to the opposite direction and he stopped to check on us. He asked our condition, he helped my friend to set his bike, he spilled out advice on how to drive on road like that.

What I regret the most after the incident is my silence. I failed to give proper reaction to the stranger’s kind act. I didn’t even say thank you. I was clouded by my guilty feeling. Now, I think that that was so selfish of me.

I let my guilty feeling absorb everything like a black hole. It didn’t help me to contribute something to make the situation better. It helped me to bring the focus closer to me than others, than the situation. Can you see how selfishness creeps in through the hole? It wants to be in the picture.

From the accident, I learn to pay attention to what I am feeling. I need to be aware what is dominating me, whether it leads me to goodness or just keep me walking around in the same spot of selfishness.

I don’t plan to wipe out the guilty feeling, who can? In my case, I plan to take driver license and have my own mean of transportation. I just need to carefully step because I realize that I still lack of motoric coordination and panic control.

Fiuh!

Hm.. This is exactly why YOU’ve died for me, right? This is, among many, what YOU’ve taken with YOU to the cross, my mistakes, my guilty feeling. Thank YOU.

:-)

Written by Elfira Y S

October 25th, 2009 at 8:38 am

Posted in my day to day

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The Twist of Jokes

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Mere cowardice is shameful; cowardice boasted of with humorous exaggerations and grotesque can be passed off as funny. Cruelty is shameful — unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous jokes do not help towards a man’s damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself treated as a joke.

[Screwtape Letters, by CS Lewis]

Written by Elfira Y S

October 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 pm

Posted in my day to day

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